The Last Milestone

I have absolutely no memory of last night from a year ago. We were preparing to bury our daughter and I have no recollection of our what we did or our state of mind whatsoever. So many moments from 1 year ago today are achingly etched in my mind but the anticipation of the night before….nothing!

Funnily enough in the run up to the 1st anniversary of Grace's death and birth we felt surprisingly

Birthday Wishes

Today I listened to a heartbeat. It's on my phone. You can see what the heartbeat looks like in the above picture.
1 year ago yesterday, Friday 1st May, my wife and I had the loveliest of days. We knew our baby's arrival was just around the corner and we were doing some prep in what would be the birth room. Hanging pictures that would be nice to look at during labour, generally making the room as lovely a place to give birth as we could.

The Gestation of Grief & Mothers Day

Tree Planting at Grace's resting place

It's enough time to have a baby I used to jokingly say when anyone would refer to a time period of nine months. It's a powerful phrase with a lot of weight attached to it. You just have to say the phrase '9 months' and pregnancy automatically comes to mind (despite the fact that a growing number of women, my wife included, find themselves giving birth nearer to 10 months)

I was reminded by Siobhan that when we started attending a support group for parents of still born children, organised by Kent SANDS, one of the things that was raised by some of these parents was how things got suddenly more difficult around the 7/8 month mark. At the time this was something I couldn't understand. Our grief was so raw, our experience so fresh, how could things get worse? And yet somehow it did.

Maybe it was dealing with the fact that life goes on and a routine is once again establishing itself in our minds and bodies; and yet there is something,deep inside, playing with the emotional weight of our new reality that doesn't want to acknowledge that life 'just goes on'. The tectonics of this internal landscape causes emotional tremors of a brand new variety.

Play Mas & Actings Black Promise

There have been a number of 'moments' for me in my latest job.

I went for an audition at The Orange Tree Theatre with Paulette Randell. Paulette has directed some great plays and also co-directed the Olympics Opening Ceremony in London. I knew Paulette from Fences, a play she directed with Lenny Henry in which I understudied. Although I was happy to audition I wasn't convinced it would go anywhere as the shoe, Play Mas, is a Trinidadian play and let's just say my Trinidadian accent wasn't the best.

Maelstrom of a Mindscape

Imagine if you will a powerful vortex of water, a downdraft of spiraling liquid energy, a maelstrom if you like, an inescapable force of nature endangering life and limb. Imagine next that this force is suddenly reversed, geysering into the air with all the power of nature behind it. And then maybe there is a moment of calm before it once more becomes a whirlpool.

Welcome to our world.

The cat like grief of a 3 yr old

My eldest daughter is for the most part a very happy child, she is quirky, hilarious, stubborn, cheeky, annoying. She listens when she wants to and ignores you when she doesn't. She doesn't seem to believe in sitting down for very long but can amuse herself for hours with a trowel and some mud.

I tried to discipline her the other day and she stopped me in my tracks by shouting - "What have I ever done to you".  Where the hell did that come from? She starts nursery next week and I'm scared at whatever else she may pick up.

She is the essence of a 3yr old and I had to ask myself, how does a 3yr old process grief? She understands that she has a sister and that that sister did not come home and was in fact buried in the ground. She understands that we are sad about this. But can a 3yr old with an imperfect understanding of the nature of death truly come to terms with this grief, with this penetrating sadness.

My daughter & the symbolism of Remembrance

Three months ago today surrounded by friends and family, whom I cannot thank enough for your love and support, we got stuck in traffic on the way to church. Among other things my wife and I sang Amazing Grace; we celebrated and mourned our little Grace's womb life and then  buried our daughter.

I feel like I'm boring people, because I keep wanting to point out all the anniversaries. The anniversary of Grace's conception, the first scan, the second scan, the day she first visibly moved.