Thursday, 17 May 2018

4 years since Grace's Funeral

I woke up in the middle of the night thinking of Barry. I don’t know Barry, I have no idea what he looks like, what he did with his life, was he tall or short? ... I know nothing except 2 things
He died 2 years ago and Esther misses him.
Yesterday I spoke about Grace at a bereavement study day near Southend. As usual when I speak I wear my grief proudly, I let my tears speak as much as my words and I let my words leave you in no doubt as to the fact I’m still working out who I am in the light of my daughters death 4 years and 2 weeks ago.

Today marks the anniversary of Grace’s funeral, the day I walked my daughter down the aisle in a white willow coffin, the day my wife and I sang Amazing Grace past the ache in our hearts and throats, the day a congregation joined us in singing with such love and gusto that it almost blew us of our feet. Today marks the anniversary of watching my little girl being lowered into a hole in the ground that My brother Peter helped me dig, the day I watched that tiny coffin being covered with dirt.

Wednesday, 8 February 2017

Bradford Babyloss Conference - Pt 2- The Arrival

…And whadya know it worked. I found myself at the conference with enough time for a bit of banter before lunch. Some would call that a result…..which it was!

I’ve done a fair bit of speaking abut Grace since she died and my biggest audience was 6000 people in Denmark, but as we sat munching on sandwiches and debating the spiciness of the samosas (bless you Heidi) there was something playing on my mind.

Tuesday, 7 February 2017

Understanding Babyloss Conference Pt1 - The journey - an epic saga

On Friday my family and I set out to attend the Understanding Baby Loss and Bereavement Support Conference organised by the University of Bradford Midwifery Society and Our Angels charity.

We didn't get very far.

Wednesday, 5 October 2016

2 weeks of crying....

For the last 2 weeks or so i have cried everyday. I am emotionally exhausted…and I’m pretty happy about it.

Today marks 10 days to The Butterfly Award and I thought I would put something relevant up every day until we get there.

The Butterfly Awards now in its fourth year, is an amazing opportunity to celebrate those who do so much work around bereavement as well as honoring parents who have experienced the loss of a baby. The event aims to celebrate survivors and champions of baby loss.

That means it’s almost a year since I won this award in the Inspirational Father category. I got to say it’s a tough award to win, when you evaluate what it is you’re actually winning.

Anyway this year I will be speaking and performing at the awards and my wife will be singing. I have also been on the judging pane. Now I've judged things before. I've been on the British Comic awards panel for a couple of years and while I've read comics that have moved me to tears, this is another thing altogether.
Over the last couple of weeks I have read  75 profiles, a list which comprises all the finalists (how Mel and Jade, the organisers managed to read all the entrants and keep their sanity I'll never know)

These people ….are amazing, they are inspirational, they move me tears again and again and again. Tragic stories, stories you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy, and so much bravery. Have a look for yourself if you want -

So yea I have cried and I’m glad because to have been part of this process, to aid in the honouring of so many inspiring people. Well that’s a privilege. So yea, I'm tired, I'm raw, I'm done but I'm happy about it

Wednesday, 28 October 2015

To be an Inspirational father ?

When a stillbirth occurs in hospital, a butterfly is fixed to the door so that all staff know what has occurred before they come into the room. Consequently, butterflies have become synonymous with stillbirth.

Skip forward a year and out of the blue I received an email saying I’d been nominated in the Butterfly Awards.

“The What Now?”

I almost deleted the email thinking it must be spam but decided to give it a read.

The Butterfly Awards celebrate survivors and champions of babyloss, that seek to break the silence surrounding stillbirth. They were started by Mel Scott and Jade Deverill: both of whom have had tragedies of their own.

It seemed I’d been nominated for awards in the categories of Inspirational Father and Best Author/Blogger.

Thursday, 10 September 2015

The Butterfly Awards

So I have been nominated in 2 categories for a Butterfly Award
The Butterfly Awards celebrate survivors and champions of baby loss. You can find out more about the awards here -

The awards are a public vote and while I would like to win because I believe that having the awards would help me on some of my upcoming plans to honour my daughter, a quick read through of the other nominees profiles has left me so utterly humble.

This then is my wish.

Have a read through the nominees and vote for whomever you think is most worthy. It is far more important to me that this issue is highlighted than that I win

The profiles of the nominees are here -

I have been nominated for the Inspirational Father award -

Thank you 

Tuesday, 8 September 2015

The Best of times, the Worst of times

Three months ago the new normal switched again

I've talked about the new normal on this blog before. I've talked about how everything is different now that Grace has died. How fear and sadness is part of our every day reality.

Well three months ago Kira, our Rainbow Baby was born. The definition of a rainbow baby is this -

A Rainbow Baby is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.