Saturday 16 August 2014

My daughter & the symbolism of Remembrance

Three months ago today surrounded by friends and family, whom I cannot thank enough for your love and support, we got stuck in traffic on the way to church. Among other things my wife and I sang Amazing Grace; we celebrated and mourned our little Grace's womb life and then  buried our daughter.

I feel like I'm boring people, because I keep wanting to point out all the anniversaries. The anniversary of Grace's conception, the first scan, the second scan, the day she first visibly moved.

The date of her death
The date of her birth
The date of her funeral

I don't know why we need these indicators, these symbols both physical and intangible. Why do we need things to look at, these dates to note.

Why do I need to go to the graveside when I know she is not there, to speak to a shell which is slowly resuming its journey to become the stardust from which she was ultimately formed.

Why do I suddenly feel the need to indelibly mark my skin with some indefinable tribute to her which will change nothing.

Why do I make special note of two monthly anniversaries when nothing has changed. Regardless of the date, yesterday I felt the same as today and tomorrow I'll still long to see her look at me with unconditional trust.

Maybe in time I'll have an answer, maybe I already know it; what I do know beyond doubt is this - Grace Dinah Monteith existed, she was not a dream she is my daughter and I will eternally be her father.


Saranga said...

I think we do it because it's all we've got. We don't have our children so we create other monuments to them.
I filed and sorted all photos of my scans and pregnancy the other day. It's what I've got and it proves that my son existed and that i didn't dream him.
Ps: Grace Dinah is a beautiful name (particularly Dinah, as I'm a rabid Black Canary fan!) :)

David Monteith said...

I hear ya.The only life they had was their womb life and that needs celebrating. And yea I love me some Black Canary. Hence the name.